On a scale of one to watching paint to dry, how bored are you right now? Are you trapped-in-jury-selection-purgatory bored? Are you watching-water-boil bored? Are you onboarding-at-your-new-job bored? Waiting-in-the-interminable-post-office-line bored? Driving-through-traffic bored? Business-casual bored?
We have a solution for you: sex, a cure for pretty much any flavor of boredom you can conceive, within reason of course. All you require is a willing sex partner, a space that’s relatively secluded, and perhaps some condoms if said partner is a stranger pulled from your juror pool, or an untested person with whom you’re not monogamous. Easy!
Boredom is situational, but that’s okay: Whatever the particular snooze-fest you’re facing, we’ve been there and done it. Here are six sex positions for when you’re bored or find yourself with some time to kill.
1. THE LAZY MAN, FOR WHEN YOU’RE BORED BUT STILL NEED TO BE DISCREET
The Lazy Man is a tried-and-tested quiet PIV sex maneuver for when you’re bored in a library or comparably public but quiet place—or, you know, cooped up with your in-laws.
The basic premise is this: Have your partner sit down with his back propped up against a wall, or a headboard, or whatever supportive surface is handy. Straddle and ride him with your feet flat on the mattress or the floor, or hell, even your shins flat against the sink top if you’ve chosen a bathroom to pass the time. You can control the rhythm and speed, and thus, also the noise level.
2. THE HOT DOGGY, FOR WHEN YOU’RE BORED AND RAINED IN
Ugh, weather, here to bore you stupid with impenetrable snow, wind, or rain barricades. But absolutely no need to let seasonal storms kill the mood: try the Hot Doggy, a modified version of doggy style that’s easily accomplished under the covers, so you don’t freeze to death during a very boring blizzard.
Here’s how it’s done: Lie flat on your stomach with your legs slightly spread and have your partner lie on top of you and enter you from behind. This one is especially good for boredom in a deep freeze because your sex friend also functions as a human blanket.
3. THE SEASHELL, FOR WHEN YOU’RE BORED ON A TROPICAL VACATION
Weather has more than one wrench ready to throw in your plans: What if you planned a fun weekend getaway to escape the weather happening back home, but when you reach your destination, it’s raining all day every day? Well, here’s a Seashell that’s arguably better for the hotel room than it is for the beach.
Lie on your back, pull your legs up toward your chest, and have your partner enter you missionary-style while your ankles drape over his shoulders. Your body will have approximate the shape of a seashell, and you will have obliterated some of your boredom.
4. THE STAND AND DELIVER, FOR WHILE YOU’RE BORED WAITING FOR YOUR SEX PASTA TO COOK
Waiting for dinner to cook can be pretty boring. But luckily, there’s a sex move that’s perfect for this scenario: Stand and Deliver. This position is a surefire cure for your boredom, since it allows you to prepare a meal and have sex all at once.
The Stand and Deliver is also easy to execute: Simply bend over the counter, grip the edges, and have your partner enter you from behind.
Then when you’re done, there’s some tasty post-sex noms waiting for you! Yes, yes, and yes.
5. THE HOT SEAT, FOR WHEN YOU’RE BORED ON A VERY LONG ROAD TRIP
It’s not just Kansas: Many of our nation’s larger states are a slog to drive through, and all those hours of the same scenery on loop can leave you feeling very bored indeed. When you find yourself slipping into the depths of your internal doldrums, pull over and assume this position.
The Hot Seat is essentially a modified reverse cowgirl. With your partner seated either in the driver’s or passenger-side seat, straddle him with your back to his chest and ride. Just make sure the vehicle is turned off, with the parking break on before you try anything wild.
6. THE COWGIRL, FOR WHEN YOU’RE A BORED MILLENNIAL
There are a lot of generalisations about millennials: they prize avocado toast over real estate; house plants are the only living things they are only capable of loving and nurturing; they have shorter attention spans than the average goldfish. Apparently, they are also fans of the sexual basics. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
So, for readers born between about 1982 and 2004, who are maybe members of the gig economy and have more time on their hands at odd hours than 9-to-5ers, consider the Cowgirl. You probably know the drill by now, but anyway, the penis-having party lies down on their back and the other person straddles them, riding in a face-forward direction.
This article originally appeared on Women’s Health US
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