Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Welcome to Sexual Resolution, a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin that answers all your most confidential questions to help you achieve the healthy, safe, and joyful sex life that you deserve.
This week we have two common questions that many people can relate to. The first is about how to have a healthy relationship with porn while you’re in a relationship. This reader feels like her boyfriend chooses watching porn over being intimate with her and wants to know what to do about it. In the second question, I address what to do with a roommate who is always around and getting in the way of your sex life.
QUESTION: My boyfriend watches a lot of porn. I actually like watching porn too, but only when we're together. My boyfriend often says he's not in the mood for sex, but then I'll see him watching porn. It makes me feel like he's choosing porn over me, which of course hurts my feelings and makes me resentful. I would love for him to initiate sex instead of turning on his laptop. – Pissed At Porn, 29
VANESSA: I completely understand you feeling like your boyfriend is choosing porn over you, but I want to point out that most people have different drives for masturbating versus having sex with a partner. Most people are pretty efficient with their masturbation habits, so it takes a lot less energy and effort than having sex with a partner. Plus, most people use masturbation as the occasional stress release. It’s not even so much about the sexual pleasure as it is about the sense of relief and release.
Maybe you can relate. Has there been a time where you felt turned on or wanted a release, but it felt easier to quickly do it yourself than to initiate with your partner, get them in the mood, and then spend 10 to 30 minutes being intimate? It’s very possible that even during some of these instances while your boyfriend was watching porn, he still wouldn’t have been interested in having sex.
You guys very well may still need to talk about his porn usage at some point. But for now, I’d start with how you’re feeling about your sex life more generally. From your question, I wasn’t actually sure if you’re dissatisfied with your sex life or if you’re just upset about him watching porn so frequently, so there may be a few questions you need to ask yourself before you talk with him. Are you satisfied with your sex life? Are you wanting to have sex more frequently? If the latter is the case, have a conversation with your boyfriend about how often you’d each like to have sex.
The idea is not to have some set-in-stone number that you both agree to abide by, but rather to make sure you’re on the same page about generally how often you want to be intimate. It’s very possible that he may be turning to porn and masturbation because he doesn’t realize you want to have sex more often. I also found myself wondering if you initiate sex. Initiation is a two-way street, and it’s important for both partners to ask for what they want. If you’re wanting to have sex more frequently, try initiating it more frequently.
QUESTION: My roommate never leaves our apartment. EVER. She works from home and doesn't seem to have any friends or hobbies. I'm dating someone relatively new, and it's turning into a massive frustration. There's never any privacy for us to have sex, and I don't feel comfortable having sex while she's there since it's a small apartment with thin walls. Is there anything I can do? – Dying For Privacy, 23
VANESSA: Oh, the joys of roommates. There are so many small, thin-walled apartment dwellers who can sympathize with your plight. One option is to try to get creative with soundproofing. You can buy a little white noise machine on Amazon for about $30. They’re often used at therapists’ offices because they do such a good job of blocking out sound. You can also try playing music or turning on the TV, tucking a towel under your door, or spraying WD-40 on your squeaky bed frame. None of these solutions are ideal, but they can definitely cut down on noise and make you feel more comfortable having sex if your roommate is in your apartment.
Another option is to try to see this as a challenge. You’re probably not going to be able to see it this way all the time, but maybe it can evoke a sense of playfulness for you every once in a while. For example, if your roommate ducks out for groceries, can you call your new partner up and tell them to get their ass over to your place for a quickie? If your partner is hanging out with you and your roommate goes into the bathroom to take a shower, can you pounce on your partner immediately? Or can you see if you can make a game out of trying to be as quiet as possible? Sometimes this can be really sexy.
Perhaps, though, your best option is to buck up and talk to your roommate. It can be tricky to talk about sex with a roommate, particularly if you’re not close, but due to the frustration you're feeling, it will likely be worth it. Say something like this: “I know this is awkward to talk about, but I’m just gonna go ahead and do it anyway. I’m seeing someone new, and I’m really conscious of not wanting to subject you to our sex noises. I want you to feel comfortable in your home, and I also want to be able to have sex in my home."
You can also try to work things out with them by asking a few questions, like, "Do you have any sort of schedule of when you’re normally out of the house? Or do you think you can give me a little heads-up when you’re leaving to run errands or something? Can we work out some sort of adult version of the ol’ hang-a-sock-on-the-doorknob college trick?” You can come up with some solutions together, and this conversation might also be the kick in the pants your roommate needs to get out of the house more often.
If all else fails, hopefully, your partner has more privacy at their place. You can also try booking the occasional AirBnB or hotel room in your city just to have the experience of completely letting go for once.
Vanessa Marin is a licensed sex therapist based in Los Angeles. You can find her on Twitter, Instagram, and her website.
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