Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Welcome to Sexual Resolution, a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin that answers all your most confidential questions to help you achieve the healthy, safe, and joyful sex life that you deserve.
This week we’re getting started with a question about sexual initiation. This reader remembers her girlfriend being sexy and seductive when initiating sex in the past, but unfortunately, it seems like all of the passion is now gone. Our second question is from a reader whose new partner expressed an interest in kink, and while she doesn’t share those interests, she’s willing to experiment. The problem is, she worries about what will happen if she finds out that doesn’t like the things he’s into. Read on for my advice to each of them.
QUESTION: My girlfriend used to be really sexy and seductive, but lately the way she initiates sex is horribly unsexy. She'll pull my hand down her pants in this way that feels very lazy. Or she'll say something like, "wanna do it?" It makes me cringe. How do I get her to be better at initiating? She's done it before, so I know she's capable of being sexy! – Longing for Passion, 31
VANESSA: You didn’t mention how long you and your girlfriend have been together, but this is a really common complaint that I hear in long-term relationships. Many of my clients admit that they start to get lazy with the way they initiate sex. Gone are the days when they would start an intense makeout session or playfully throw their partner onto the bed. Instead, many people opt for a lackluster, “I guess we should probably have sex tonight, huh?”
Most people call it laziness, but I think it’s actually something else: fear. Initiating sex gets even more vulnerable as time goes on. When you’re first dating, you typically always say “yes” to each other’s initiations. But as the relationship progresses, you start turning each other down. Many people stop putting themselves out there as much in order to avoid the sting of rejection. Additionally, they'll start initiating in silly or half-hearted ways, because the idea is that if you show passion and intensity, getting turned down feels like much more of a rejection than if you initiated by awkwardly groping at your partner’s crotch.
Initiating sex gets even more vulnerable as time goes on.
First, see if you can boost your girlfriend’s confidence a little bit. Bring up a time that she initiated sex in a really hot way, and say something to her like, “You know what I was just thinking about? That time you did XYZ. That was so hot. You should do that again.” The more details you can give her, the better. If she has specific ideas of initiation techniques she knows you’ll like and respond well to, she’ll be more likely to initiate in those ways again.
If things still don’t change, have a more direct conversation with her about how the two of you can navigate sex in your relationship. I’ve found that it really helps to talk about gentle ways to turn each other down if you’re not interested in having sex when your partner initiates. Ask her, “I’ll try to be open and considerate every time you initiate sex. But if I’m just not up for it that particular day, what’s the most gentle way I can say ‘no’?” It might also help if you could initiate with her in sexy ways more often, too. It shouldn’t be entirely on your girlfriend’s shoulders to bring the passion into your relationship.
QUESTION: I just started dating someone new, and found out that he's into a lot of kinky things. He's asked me if I'd be interested in exploring with him. I'm not opposed to it, but I've just never considered most of these things before. I also worry that maybe I won't be "enough" for him if I don't like everything he's into. What should I do? – Kink-Curious, 25
VANESSA: First of all, I want to point out that it’s a great sign that your new partner shared his kinks with you. There’s still a fair amount of kink-shaming that happens, so opening up to you shows a great deal of courage and trust on his part. It sounds like you took his disclosure in stride, which is also great, and it’s fantastic that you’re considering experimenting with him.
My main advice to you is to go ahead and explore, but have a conversation about boundaries and safe words first. Also, make sure you do some research on how to safely and responsibly experiment with the specific things that you want to try together, especially if they involve things like domination, restraints, props, or pain play. Doing this research will also help you get a better sense of whether or not you want to explore a particular kink.
If you still feel uncertain about whether or not you want to try something, see if there are any baby steps you could take. For example, you might not want to set up an entire slave/master relationship with him, but would you be open to letting him spank you? What about talking dirty about the fantasy, without actually acting it out?
To your fear about not being “enough” for him, I want to point out that you’ve already given him a great gift by being open to his kinks. I also want to point out that it doesn’t sound like you’re entirely sure how big of a role his kinks play in his sex life. Being interested in something kinky doesn’t necessarily mean that you want to do that kinky thing every single time you have sex. You might not know his history with those kinks either; maybe he’s never had a chance to explore and is not even sure if he’ll like certain things he wants to try.
Most couples don’t have perfect alignment in the bedroom.
Even if his kinks are extremely important to him, and you wind up not being so crazy about them, there’s still a gray area. You might be willing to play with him on occasion even though you don’t get a ton of enjoyment out of the kinks specifically. He might be willing to explore his kinks on his own, or the two of you could work out some sort of arrangement where he could play outside of the relationship.
Keep in mind that most couples don’t have perfect alignment on the specific things they enjoy doing in the bedroom. It doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker if you don’t like every single thing he likes. Your overall attitude about your sex life is far more important than the specific details of what gets each of you off, and it sounds like you’re doing pretty well in that area already.
Vanessa Marin is a licensed sex therapist based in Los Angeles. You can find her on Twitter, Instagram, and her website.
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